Thou Shalls For 2011: Notes to Self

Thou shall read the Bible EVERY DAY and keep a journal for the verses and a prayer notebook.

Thou shall sleep more.

Thou shall hit the treadmill everyday (urgh! even if i hate our magnetic treadmill. makes me feel like i'm walking in a pool of water (nope..that's even an understatement!)

Thou shall drink more, more water that is.

Thou shall eat veggies more and befriend both patola and malunggay or else you will get hungry.

Thou shall read more books.

Thou shall be patient with numbers...very very patient with numbers.

Thou shall be patient (period).

Thou shall say NO (sometimes it's the magic word.. ;D )

Thou shall NOT be MASAWAIN.

Thou shall be focused (i really think i should be tested for ADHD)

Of Frames, Colors, and Lights: Tales of A Happy Clicker

I care less about rules.

I zoom in.

I zoom out.

ISO randomly adjusted.

Aperture untouched.

Hates flash.

Hates Auto functions.

Still trying to appreciate "scene" pre-sets.

I embrace noise.

I embrace washed out produce.

Ctrl+T is never an enemy.

I edit tones when I want to.

I crop when I feel like to do so.

A sucker for candid shots.

Loves nature and the secret it reveals.

Trying to make sense of still life.

I'm a story teller.

I'm a Happy clicker.

I care less about rules.

You can see what I'm talking about here: http://jenlencar.multiply.com/photos/album/26

In His Silence

With clenched fist and trembling body, I tried to endure the pain.
I hear the clock ticking, the old electric fan screeching-signaling its thirst for oil.
I fought back the unyielding pain for minutes... and hours... and days.
Sure that I am the most entitled person to let my tears stream down my face, and soak my pillow with it.
I couldn't move, as every move would cause tremendous pain which sucks up the energy left inside me.
I finally screamed!
I questioned your existence.
I was taught to see beyond the pain.
I was taught to see hopes through challenges.
But I just DID NOT.
I challenged you to reveal yourself and made your presence be felt.
I was inconsolably looking for you.

And nothing but silence....

In your silence, I learned to surrender...
In your silence, I became patient
In your silence, I leaned to trust other people
In your silence, I learned to humble down
In your silence, I learned to accept that I'm indeed weak,
and not the strong person I appear to be
In your silence, I felt more the pain, which made me cherish my sunny moments
In your silence, I learned to appreciate little things more than anything else.

It's just so amazing that it's in your silence that you spoke to me more than ever.....

Libertad!

For almost three years, you left the key hanging at the door you locked yourself.
I waited for you to open the door, but you never came near the door.
I waited for you to leave the room, but you never did.
I wanted to come out of the room first, but feared that I wouldn't be able to come back.
Didn't know then why I even wanted to come back.

I prayed for a strong wind or any external force so the key would let loose of the keyhole and drop.
I waited for days, months, and years.
I tried getting it myself but just couldn't get near it.
There's as if an enormous force hindering me to come near it.
I came up with several devices to remove the key from the keyhole, but all efforts came to none.
I realized it was only you who can remove the key.

You wouldn't leave, though sometimes you appear to be a silhouette and almost disappearing
There are times that I couldn't feel your presence, or was I only convincing myself that you already went away?
I waited and waited for a chance to get the key and throw it back to you.
Or perhaps throw it on a furnace, so there's no way you could retrieve it!

Then came one day. I saw you fidgeting the key on the keyhole.
I stood up and you just stared at me as if you're to say, "You really don''t want me to unlock it don't you?"
I was indignant for he knew me. He knew me more than anyone.
Hot tears were starting to build up at the corner of my eyes.
And like a heartless beast you satisfyingly stared at me, your eyes feasting over my pain.
You suck up my tears to feed your ego until there was none.

You finally unlocked the door, but did not open it.
I collected all the courage and strength that's left inside me.
I ran towards your direction and shoved you away from the door.
You were stunned. You never thought I could do it. BUT I DID.

Now I'm watching you from afar, with a great sense of victory.
You're still holding unto your key; waiting for another victim you could devour and lock up in your own world.
You lure your potential victims with your cunning words and decieving smiles.
You once again lured one, apparently a species of your own kind.
I know your strategies, and I ain't buying them no more.
I am finally free!

One of the Boys

I have always been comfortable with my guy friends. In fact I used to be more comfortable being with them than with the girls because some girls can't just keep it simple. I never understood (back then..wehehe) the reason why they suddenly get so excited and energized, as if 10 volts were induced into their system, whenever they see 'cute' guys. I never found any guy to be cute before. For me they are just faces.. just faces with modifications that vary from one person to another..hehe... I even like guys' activities: their hobbies, sports, the jokes they crack, the sitcoms they watch, their gadgets, etc. Another thing I like among guy groups is that they don't 'back-bite' each other. When they find someone to be irritating; they just keep it low and don't discuss it among others..well at least this is true among my guy friends.. I'm not saying that all my girl friends are back-biters, but I have had encountered some..

Being one of the boys, I don't have much problem working with men. My workplace consists of mostly men.. (and some questionable).. I am the sole female species in our project. When we travel, I am often separated from them during inspections at the airport, using comfort rooms (of course), and checking in on hotel rooms. I'm always by myself. There are times that I would still want to talk to someone, but apparently they are already set to do their boys night out, where liquor is always present. I am comfortable mingling with my guy friends with liquor around, but not just with the bosses. I trust them, but sometimes I don't like where their discussion is going to. So I prefer to watch the History/ Discovery channel alone in the lobby of the company's guest house. But there was this one time that I mingled with them during their socials night. They were really nice to me. They treated me like their own daughter even if they were already tipsy. They offered me a bottle of beer, but I refused it. So I just observed them. My boss was quite amazing. He fell asleep for a while during their chat. But one of his colleagues woke him up for him to still join in their discussion. The funny thing was his mind was still alert, and he spoke with a lot of sense! hahaha! I wish I could master that skill-- waking up with a very sound mind. It's one of his talents I guess. There are times that he falls asleep during a meeting (this time he hasn't taken any alcoholic beverage..he just lacked sleep) and when you ask him about a particular thing, he would suddenly wake up and answer you straight! Man! How I'd love to have that ability! That might have helped a lot back in college when I often fell asleep in class...hehehe... Let me justify myself a little..hehe.. I have Insomnia that's why sleepiness visits me on day time..

Poverty Can End

I was at the Navs Center yesterday. As I was nibbling some nuts I bought from a nearby store, two children went inside the compound and picked up some overriped mangoes on the ground. Suddenly, images of the children, women, and men featured on the book I am currently reading , flashed into my mind. The book's title is The End of Poverty by Jeffrey Sachs. He foretold about how the women, children, and men suffered in Malawi. I was quite shocked and depressed at the same time, that there are still areas in the world, that are not just poor, but they are "poor of the poorest", and that who are in fact at the door of death. There was this hospital he visited, where AIDS patients were "treated". The ward consists of 150 beds. The AIDS infected patients are all in all 450. Three AIDS-stricken people share one bed. And when the patient is considered at terminal stage and is nearing death, he/she shall be placed under the bed until his/her death. Horrific! Devastating! I was not able to sleep immediately that night I read it. My passion to help the poor and become an effective agent of development burned inside me that night. At last I knew what I wanted in life. I feel so restless sitting in my cubicle working for a multi-national company who aims basically at profit. Let's go straight to the point! The CSR stuff? Oh come on! They do that so as not to bear the ginormous tax! Though, God uses them to help alleviate the impoverished and marginalized societies at a certain degree. But poverty does not end by giving the people these and that. It just give the people temporary respite from sickening and painful implications of poverty. Able ones need to empower the people and not just dole out. Yes funding is still crucial. Money is needed for operations among other things. But without ownership of development of the people themselves; all efforts and endowments shall be futile. We need to help in making the poor realize that they will not be forever stuck at the foot of the development ladder, or at least make them realize that stepping unto it is indeed possible.

I am greatly empowered and encouraged by the women of Bangladesh. Though they are still considered moderately impoverished, they are still striving to climb the steps of the ladder even if it meant paintstakingly hurdling the physical hardship and emotional struggles brought by abusive foreigh employers. By moderately poor, Sachs meant that, at least 25 percent of the households are extremely poor or moderately poor, that is living under $2 per day. Thanks to the textile and garment industries in Bangladesh, women are more empowered; able to sustain their own living; provide for their families; and have a sense of significance in the society.

What is more interesting is that women in Bangladesh know and understand well the implications of too much population in the quality of life they may have. They know so well their responsiblity/ part in controlling the population growth.

As I handed over some fish crackers to the two children at the Navs center, I saw how happy they were. I knew that the packs of fish cracker wouldn't alleviate them from their situation, but at least I wanted them to see that there is still hope for them. For you who are reading this, I invite you to take part in whatever way to help END poverty.

Seven Hours in Seven Days

I used to anticipate this time of the year when I was a student. But the previous week was just hell. I only had a total of 7 hours of sleep for the whole week. I haven't reached R.E.M stage for the past 7 days. I missed my bed so much. The couch felt like heaven. I think I have developed Repetitive Strain Injury, and hopefully it's not Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. My only rest would be reading articles from the internet from several sites which helped me with my vocabulary a lot and introduced me to several info presentation techniques. Thank you so much facebook for allowing me to still communicate to my friends, which made me feel that "hey! i'm still a social being after all. I'm kinda forgetting that one. I thought I was a machine, or worse a zombie, made to work, work, and work. How exciting can that get?!"

By Friday, I felt like freakin' high, as if I was floating. On my way to meet my group mates for report consolidation; I stumbled twice. I stuttered a lot, thanks to the fact that I bit my tongue four times, how stupid can I get huh? Saturday came and was set to report on Personality Determinants. I was surprisingly hyperactive! My group mates were laughing at me, as they have read my status early in the morning. It read "finally", which meant I just finished my presentation. "Adik ka!" was the first statement I got from them. Surprisingly, I was still in my right mind to make sense of my soooo rushed presentation. I was still able to attend a three-hour class in the afternoon, which involved numbers- my perfect solution for Insomnia, aside from "gray" handouts that contained boring info presentation.

When I was about to go home around 6pm, after my Saturday class, I thought I saw a friend of mine and so I waved at him and said "Hey! Ray!".. And he gave me that puzzled look, but he sitll managed to raise his hand, as a gesture to greet me as well. Then as I got closer, I realized he wasn't Ray. So I just blurted out, "Oops! Sorry, hindi pala ikaw." Then the guy just laughed. Man! I thought it was really him. Apparently, lack of sleep can really make you too friendly to the point that you would greet someone whom you really don't know. And when I was about to cross the street, a guy with his car stopped and allowed me to cross. I was glad he stopped, 'coz I just wanted to go home and be reunited with my bed as fast as possible. Then I saw the guy winked at me and smiled. I was too irritated. I glared at him and just crossed. Unfortunately, lack of sleep can really make you an ill- tempered person, even for shallow reasons. So you better get yourself some decent sleep to avoid conflicts. After which, I saw someone waved at me and called me and I just waved too and said Hi, but the truth is, I didn't recognize her. hehe..When I got home, there were many people in our house, since there was a December Potluck. I was too tired to mingle, but when I saw the baby of our friend, my energy level just shoot up. I got my camera and took a few shots. After a good meal a friend suddenly wanted to go to the park to see the ginormous Christmas display. I've been wanting to take photos of it, but couldn't even get out and do it, thanks to Year end reports and rushing of deliverables, which are, by the way, not mine. So we went to the park and saw the wonderful lights, which made me forget that I hadn't slept yet. I took only a few shots, since it was hard to get a good spot. Sobrang daming tao. Then we headed to the cafe. I settled for Green Tea Latte. Not that caffeine has still an effect on me, pero naman..gusto ko naman ng ibang lasa. Kulang nalang turukan ako ng kape. hehe.. And so I got home at around 11pm, not knowing how I lasted to stay awake that long.

Then I remembered that I prayed for so much strength at the start of the week. I even claimed:

Isaiah 40: 31 but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

And I sooo got it. :) Thank you Lord.=)

I Think I'mma Hit The Breaks

Head throbbing.

Eyes twitching.

Butt numb.

Logic dumb.

Knees wobbling.

Hands shaking.

Stuck in the living room.

Approaching doom.

Wishful thinking.

Heart breaking.