Of Chasing Dreams Like that of Pavements

At age 14 I already knew what I wanted and where I wanted to be... I dreamed on my own. At age 16 I realized that the most essential question to answer is how to get there. At age 17 I realized that I wouldn't be able to get it my way. At age 18 I was framed into something/someone I'm not. At age 21 I'm sure what I don't want, but lost touch of what I want . At age 23 I'm in a crossroad. At age 24... this ain't a crossroad baby! This a highway!

The world spinning too fast; I'm in a daze. If there's one thing I'm rich with right now; these are questions. Questions after questions after questions and it goes on. I keep on chasing a dream that I forgot to live in the now. I keep on chasing a dream and I'm dead tired because it's just too fast for me. I keep on chasing a dream, which I'm not sure is mine. I keep on chasing a dream of which I know nothing of. I keep chasing a dream... like that of a pavement, not knowing where it's leading me to. And this when I needed to STOP, despite the circumstances are telling me not to. I just need to.. to keep my sanity, for whoever's sake!

This is the best time I feel more than lucky to have known Christ and to have Him in my life. Though, in my lens it seems blurry, I know in His' is a perfect picture of his great plans for me. Jeremiah 29:11.

Fogged Up Glass Wall

It was quick. The words escaped your mouth quickly and you even tried to cover it up with something else. But it took me forever to hear it. It's like I was in a slow motion film, only this one is no fantasy. Reality bites hard and it is damn painful. I let it pass. But it kept knocking on my door waiting for me to process it.

And as I did, the once invisible walls that I kept on encountering every time I take another step closer to you has now finally taken its shape. I can clearly see it and feel it between us. I wish they were just sliding wooden doors so I'd not see what's behind it. The glass walls are indeed deceiving. I thought it wasn't really there that you're within my reach. But the closer I get to it and as I open my mouth to speak, the glass gets fogged up. And this for once showed me that there is that glass wall which has long been existing between us. And as you approach me, every time you patronize me with your subtle words, you make everything more blur. The fog took my form. And that explained everything. The fog told me more about how you weren't any different from any of your kind- Genus: Machine, Species: Ego Feeder with no intentions or whatsoever.

I'm left with three options: 1. Break the glass between us; 2. Wipe it clean; or 3. Leave it as it is- fogged up glass. Breaking the glass would either hurt me or you or perhaps both of us. I still respect you for who you are so I wouldn't want to do that. But wiping it clean shall never be an option for it shall take away all the love that's left inside me. Number three is probably the best option I've got. Leave it as it is; all fogged up. This shall remind me of the walls that will forever be between us. This will keep me ahead of your game. Yes, your game. It was yours alone, until you spoke that day. That fogged glass will remind me that there are things I can never have and which I should leave behind me, as it is.

I think it's high time for me to say, "thanks for the memories. Though, I'll be making more memories with you, only it is much different, and that I owe to myself. I shall make more memories with you with a fogged up glass wall between us.".

Gravity

Ah.. The force of nature ei? You can't just seem to inhibit it to take its course nor to avoid it.And just when you think everything's stable, then boom! Well, hello gravity! You are indeed powerful. In fact even if I tried ensuring the safety of my favorite mug,as in favorite, it surrendered to your power. It broke. It was my favorite mug for a lot of reasons- first,it was my mug when I was toiling on my undergraduate manuscript and two it was the first ever raffle prize i got myself. I felt lady luck smiled on me that day at SEARCA when we were attending a symposium. I sat on a lucky chair with a lucky number under it. The next thing I knew the MC was announcing my number and handing me over a box.I felt sooo happy about it. 'Twas my first.No mug can ever replace it, I guess.

Kinda weird though, coz two days before this happened, when I was sipping my coffee, i held my mug tightly in my lil hands and felt like it was the last time that I'd be able to fill it with coffee. I don't exactly know how to put it into words but I was so sure it was gonna break...soon. And yeah, awhile ago, it happened. And it was a remarkable fall.. no it flew, actually.. from our sala set to the kitchen sink. If you have been to our house you would probably know that it's quite far for such an incident. But yeah.. it's gone. And no matter how I have already "expected" (not that I would really like to use that word) it to happen; I wasn't just ready for that very moment when it happened.

I kinda hate the fact that I'm so good in breaking things. I hear a lot from my mom regarding this, since I was a kid. Probably, I could've broken a set or two of plates and drinking glasses. I hate it. I especially hate the feeling of staring at it on the floor and picking up the pieces, which I have cut myself with many times. I just hate it.

But as what my very good friend had put it; "it's time to let go of old things to make room for new ones."

Thou Shalls For 2011: Notes to Self

Thou shall read the Bible EVERY DAY and keep a journal for the verses and a prayer notebook.

Thou shall sleep more.

Thou shall hit the treadmill everyday (urgh! even if i hate our magnetic treadmill. makes me feel like i'm walking in a pool of water (nope..that's even an understatement!)

Thou shall drink more, more water that is.

Thou shall eat veggies more and befriend both patola and malunggay or else you will get hungry.

Thou shall read more books.

Thou shall be patient with numbers...very very patient with numbers.

Thou shall be patient (period).

Thou shall say NO (sometimes it's the magic word.. ;D )

Thou shall NOT be MASAWAIN.

Thou shall be focused (i really think i should be tested for ADHD)

Of Frames, Colors, and Lights: Tales of A Happy Clicker

I care less about rules.

I zoom in.

I zoom out.

ISO randomly adjusted.

Aperture untouched.

Hates flash.

Hates Auto functions.

Still trying to appreciate "scene" pre-sets.

I embrace noise.

I embrace washed out produce.

Ctrl+T is never an enemy.

I edit tones when I want to.

I crop when I feel like to do so.

A sucker for candid shots.

Loves nature and the secret it reveals.

Trying to make sense of still life.

I'm a story teller.

I'm a Happy clicker.

I care less about rules.

You can see what I'm talking about here: http://jenlencar.multiply.com/photos/album/26

In His Silence

With clenched fist and trembling body, I tried to endure the pain.
I hear the clock ticking, the old electric fan screeching-signaling its thirst for oil.
I fought back the unyielding pain for minutes... and hours... and days.
Sure that I am the most entitled person to let my tears stream down my face, and soak my pillow with it.
I couldn't move, as every move would cause tremendous pain which sucks up the energy left inside me.
I finally screamed!
I questioned your existence.
I was taught to see beyond the pain.
I was taught to see hopes through challenges.
But I just DID NOT.
I challenged you to reveal yourself and made your presence be felt.
I was inconsolably looking for you.

And nothing but silence....

In your silence, I learned to surrender...
In your silence, I became patient
In your silence, I leaned to trust other people
In your silence, I learned to humble down
In your silence, I learned to accept that I'm indeed weak,
and not the strong person I appear to be
In your silence, I felt more the pain, which made me cherish my sunny moments
In your silence, I learned to appreciate little things more than anything else.

It's just so amazing that it's in your silence that you spoke to me more than ever.....

Libertad!

For almost three years, you left the key hanging at the door you locked yourself.
I waited for you to open the door, but you never came near the door.
I waited for you to leave the room, but you never did.
I wanted to come out of the room first, but feared that I wouldn't be able to come back.
Didn't know then why I even wanted to come back.

I prayed for a strong wind or any external force so the key would let loose of the keyhole and drop.
I waited for days, months, and years.
I tried getting it myself but just couldn't get near it.
There's as if an enormous force hindering me to come near it.
I came up with several devices to remove the key from the keyhole, but all efforts came to none.
I realized it was only you who can remove the key.

You wouldn't leave, though sometimes you appear to be a silhouette and almost disappearing
There are times that I couldn't feel your presence, or was I only convincing myself that you already went away?
I waited and waited for a chance to get the key and throw it back to you.
Or perhaps throw it on a furnace, so there's no way you could retrieve it!

Then came one day. I saw you fidgeting the key on the keyhole.
I stood up and you just stared at me as if you're to say, "You really don''t want me to unlock it don't you?"
I was indignant for he knew me. He knew me more than anyone.
Hot tears were starting to build up at the corner of my eyes.
And like a heartless beast you satisfyingly stared at me, your eyes feasting over my pain.
You suck up my tears to feed your ego until there was none.

You finally unlocked the door, but did not open it.
I collected all the courage and strength that's left inside me.
I ran towards your direction and shoved you away from the door.
You were stunned. You never thought I could do it. BUT I DID.

Now I'm watching you from afar, with a great sense of victory.
You're still holding unto your key; waiting for another victim you could devour and lock up in your own world.
You lure your potential victims with your cunning words and decieving smiles.
You once again lured one, apparently a species of your own kind.
I know your strategies, and I ain't buying them no more.
I am finally free!